Thursday, July 23, 2009 Part 1: Are they kidding me?

Ethan is looking for someone who is a "mixture of Parker Posey, Bettie Page and Audrey Hepburn."

That's a tall order for someone who has no photo in his profile.

He is "hoping to meet someone so hot that they make me sexist."

Huh? What does that even mean? But wait, it gets worse...

"Someone that would dress up as a french maid and clean my apartment for my birthday, paint themselves red with a tail and horns ala a Coop devil girl..."

There is so much wrong with that poor, grammatically incorrect excuse for a sentence; I don't even know where to begin. One word comes to mind: FREAK! If this is any indication of the single men in my area, I'm in big trouble. But he does have a clean police record, and doesn't use any needle drugs, so sign me up! Maybe my standards are too high.

I have been on for nine days and have never done online dating. I am quickly realizing why. The three months I pre-paid will seem like infinity. In slightly more than a week, I have read and deleted 117 profiles, and one guy has deleted me. Some of these men in the Greater Los Angeles area have been "interested" in me based on my profile, and some of them are suggestions based on the initial personality test I took when I signed up. (That part was really cool, by the way. I'm a Negotiator/Explorer. Nifty.)

Granted, not all these men are whack jobs, but the vast majority are one straight jacket away from a padded room. I'm fairly certain the ones who don't belong in the looney bin all got together at a Daters Anonymous meeting and wrote their profiles together because 90% of them rate pop culture useless trivia as one of their finer attributes. I find useless pop trivia amusing, but really? All of them? Plus, while sitting around in a drum circle, they all decided they weren't one of those "bad boys" your mom doesn't want you to bring home. They are the "nice" guys; the ones who finish last, but are worth the wait. Again, really? All of them?

Also, newsflash, Boys: If you are barely literate, please, please, please have someone proofread your profile for you. Nothing spells lovin' like a physician who calls his profile an "add" instead of an "ad."

Here's an initial smattering of my favorites:

Derrick advises you to "CalmDownAlready" in his headline because yeah, my panties are in a wad over a rotational mold manufacturer (what is that?) who proclaims he was "born upside down" and that is the "reason [he] sees the world side ways." He wants a woman with "tons and tons of money..." You must also have "a boat and motor" and "cook like a 5 star chef." To top it off, he wants to see a photo of your boat and motor.

Ladies, if you own a sailboat, Derrick won't have you. He wants to see that motor, damn it! Never mind what you look like or what kind of person you are. He is an open freeloader who knows a good wake when he sees one. Don't worry. If he doesn't hit you up on the Internet, you can find him on Labor Day weekend at Parker Dam in Arizona slipping beer bongs to twelve-year-old girls. Now where did I put my bead necklaces...

Mike is a first-rate serial killer. He wears dark shades in his fuzzy profile photo because he doesn't want you to see the evil in his eyes until you are safely strapped to a chair in his basement. Three letters: G, H and B. His tagline is "NA." (Nah?) As in not applicable, or Narcotics Anonymous, or Not Able to return home once he gets his nasty paws on you. He lists his job as "data warehousing." I want to know how many bodies are in the "warehouse." He states, "I am attracted to and respect strong, intelliegent women as long as they don't have a chip on their shoulder. They need to realize that intimacy requires dropping their guard occasionally."

Girls, don't drop your guard for a second. You might find yourself gagged and bound. And yes, he did misspell intelligent. Would I talk to him? Nah. Would I date him? Nah. Am I moving onto the next profile and deleting him? Yep.

Matt attempts humor, feebly, but I give him brownie points for effort. However, the first sentence in bold says, "I rarely wear underwear." TMI, Clown Boy. That's something I'd rather know later. He was "beaten out for the last spot on People magazine's 50 most beautiful people by Queen Latifah," and his American Idol audition "didn't go so good." He also has an "abnormally large uvula."

You know what they say about large uvulas. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.

He can "tell the day by the bottle he drinks."

Monday: Absolut Citron; Tuesday: Jack Daniels; Wednesday: Oh Captain, My Captain; Thursday he takes a break with a 40 of Olde English 800; Friday he gets crazy with Tanqueray; By Saturday, he's so wrecked, he'll drink just about anything, and Sunday is
Bloody Mary day. Hair of the dog, baby.

He's also a "cowboy, on a steel horse [he rides]..."

Sigh. Bon Jovi circa 1986? I didn't even like them back then. A reference to them now is sad. Just sad.

In his photo, Matt is squinting into the sun, so much so that we can't even tell what he really looks like.

I think he needs to borrow Mike's shades.

More to come...

The Grammar Nazi

P.S. I haven't logged into facebook for almost two days, so here are some status updates as I await my release from FB prison:

Chelsey drives men to drink.
Chelsey daydreams about how to say the thing she cannot say.
Chelsey says, "What is 2nd base these days anyway? I'm not even sure."
Chelsey says, "Adam's monkey toes are surprisingly strong."
Chelsey wants to log into facebook to see what she's missing, but she will wait until Friday afternoon.


  1. Nothing you can bring home to mom, I take it?

  2. Sorry, Grammar Nazi: No one you can take/bring home to mom?

  3. No, you're dodging bullets right and left.

  4. We all miss you on Facebook! I notice, here, that you haven;t made fun of Dean. What happened to Dean? It was Dean, right? I think you secretly loved him.

  5. While I miss you on FB, Chels, this format suits you. =]

    I hope you keep up the " Chronicles" long after you re-join the FB world...


    P.S. "wixology" is the name of my lil' blog, but it's all about DIY manicure/nail-polish-focused content.
    Nowhere near as entertaining as this! =P

  6. I have no idea what 2nd base is . . . good question.
    Does Google know?

    I thought Dean was MINE??

  7. I changed the names to protect the innocent. Dean is no longer "Dean," but he's here in all his fine glory.

    I just Googled second base: "The touching of people's private areas." Who knew?

    I will check out wixology, Mon!

  8. Weren't we supposed to jello wrestle for Dean, Amy? Don't claim the spoils just yet.

  9. That's right!
    I completely forgot about the jello wrestling!

    *grabs jello*

  10. Dang, I should have mentioned jello wrestling in my blog. What a missed opportunity! I am reminded of Blue: "Just ring the effing bell, you pansy!"

  11. If SOMEBODY had taken screenshots before deleting... just saying. ;)

  12. Dare to dream . . . Pam, if you did, I expect an email with the shot.

  13. I WOULD have had I been given one of those warning letters, letting me know that Miss D. was about to click delete.