Thursday, July 23, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 2: Let's cut through the froth!




















On chemistry.com, Mr. Lather wants to "cut through the froth!" He appreciates what life has given him, like being able to feed cattle on a ranch.

Okay, mentioning "froth" and "cattle" in close proximity only makes me think he's playing Russian Roulette with Mad Cow Disease. If he's spending a lot of time feeding bovines that are foaming at the mouth, I think I want to stay away from him. Either that, or I'll be brave and sport my Hazmat suit on our first date at Starbucks. (Insert Darth Vader breathing sounds here.)

He's not looking for anything serious. He just wants to "cut into [your] leisure time" with a smidgen of "fun."

I think this is thinly veiled code for, "I want to get laid." By the way, did you notice his overuse of the word cut? The line forms to the left. You first.

Roger works for the government and has anger management issues. He does not say so in so many words, but I know a 'roid-rager when I see one. "I've never hit a girl, Mom and Dad said you don't do that."

Mr. Run-on Sentence only abstains from smacking chicks around because his parents said he shouldn't. If it hadn't been expressed verbally when he was a child, he surely would be clocking you one at the least bit of provocation. See that shiner? I got that from falling down. And hitting a doorknob. After I tripped. Yeah, that's it.

He follows up Mom and Dad's words of wisdom with this little gem: "I get angry sometimes, but I snap out of it really quick," and "I'm unable to carry a grudge for very long (hours), even if I really, really try."

He wants to hate you. He really, really does, but darn it if his softer side doesn't seep in there ever so slowly after he throws the couch across the room. "I'm sorry, Doll Face. I promise not to do it again." Until the next time you FOLD MY PANTS THE WRONG WAY! That's what the creases are for. Can't you do anything right?

I do have to agree with one statement this exotic dancer-dating, buzz-cut sporting beefcake makes: "I believe that when a couple's sex life is great, it makes up 30% of the relationship. Yet, when it's bad, it makes up 70% of the relationship."

That sounds about right. Next!

Here's a short and not-so-sweet one: Mr. Creepy Bedroom Eyes asks, "Are you looking for me?" The puffy, boozy red face smiles and says, "Maybe over a nice wine?" (Keep in mind he doesn't bite and is fully house trained.)

Um, no. Thanks though.

Next profile. Here's someone we can all get behind. If you gave him $10,000, he'd "most likely spend it on experiences rather than things, travel and fun rather than buying crap to fill [his] house up."

Tyler Durden, is that you? Where's your IKEA home nesting instinct? Smack my ass and call me Marla! I think we've got ourselves a keeper. I always wanted to learn how to make soap. Oh wait. What the heck is 'quince paste' and why would I want to put it on crackers? Moving on.

Oh, man. If Mike from the last post screams serial killer, Steve exudes stalker with a capital S. "Had we but world enough and time..."

Eek!

He usually "keeps [his] mouth shut," but he doesn't "suffer fools gladly."

Yikes!

Steve is "fiercely independent" (read: loner), and wants a woman who "understands that men and women are fundamentally different." (Read: He'll remind you of your place, Woman.) He hates "games and manipulation" and doesn't want a woman who "uses sex as a weapon."

That's a shame because I think of sex as a ball-peen hammer with which to smack men over the head. Methinks this one has had a few too many bad experiences that might inhibit him from having a healthy relationship. Wouldn't you say?

Finally, he wants a woman who is "fed up with posers, the pretty boys, the bruisers, the jocks, the frat boys, the lounge lizards, the hippies, the metrosexuals, the rednecks, the bad boys, the sports fans, the freaks, the communists, etc."

Wow, somebody was wedged into a couple lockers and dunked in a few toilets in junior high. He's that silent type who always does his work and never bothers anyone - until one day, his rage envelops him and he explodes like a mushroom cloud. Don't piss Steve off. Who knows what he's capable of?

Brian does "whatever [his] rice crispies tell [him] to!"

Snap, crackle and pop?

If you "put [him] in a cardboard box, [he] will find a way to have fun!"

That works for two-year-olds at Christmas, but I'm not sure about 37. I think he needs to talk to Steve, whom I'm sure would gladly pack and ship Brian just for sporting that goatee and trendy backwards black hat. Steve hates bad boys and is wringing his hands in the corner. Watch out!

Sincerely,
The Grammar Nazi

2 comments:

  1. Do they have frothy cattle in LA?

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  2. I think like the rest of California, we only have "happy cows," unless you're talking about the ones in Chino. Nobody - not even a cow - likes Chino.

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