Jake, Jake, Jake. The "big and beautiful" wardrobe consultant with pouty lips and come-hither eyes doesn't want to "butter up" his profile. He's just looking for "somebody with a pulse and can walk upright."
Aim high, Jake. Aim high. The peach fuzz above that pucker just screams, "Free mustache rides," which would occur somewhere between trips to Vegas, Cancun and a Laker game. I'm rooting for you Jake. I really am. I'm also shaking my head, sighing.
Okay, after looking through nearly 130 profiles, I have noticed maybe two or three men who are obviously gay, which makes me wonder why, why, why they are looking for women? Please save yourself the anguish of living in the closet; throw the door open and be yourself! You'd be so much happier!
On that note, Paul is from Canada and was raised in the south. He claims to be the only person who says, "How y'all doin', eh?"
Okay, THAT was funny.
He's "intelligent, athletic, funny...oh and humble!"
And gay. Don't forget gay.
He "reads about philosophy and writes about fart jokes."
He was doing so well up until the word "fart" (and the part about him not being attracted to women). One should never use the word "fart" in a dating profile. It's not sexy and makes me think of Butthead.
Next up, we have another photo-free masochist. They are a dime a dozen here on chemistry.com, but this one is special. "I'm not a doormat but for the right woman and loving relationship i will do almost anything."
Is it wrong that the thing I focus on most in that sentence is the lack of commas and the lower case "i"? The grammar freak in me is more upset than the part of me who doesn't want a doormat in place of a man.
Mr. Submissive "seeks to fall in love with a woman in a female led relationship. If you aren't sure what this means or like the sound of it and wish to know more please write and I can explain it in more detail. It's not as strange or uncommon as you think."
No need to explain. In fact, I'd rather you didn't. I guess I better go through my storage bins and relocate my whip, handcuffs and leather bondage gear. I will be sure to bring him some knee pads on our first meeting. He should have just said, "Looking for dominatrix," and washed his hands of trying to pussyfoot around his little fetish. Not. If. You. Paid. Me.
Christopher leads with, "And the two caret diamond ring goes to..."
I only need to read the headline to know the kind of woman Christopher wants is a materialistic gold-digger. He has been living in Southern California way too long. It's sad to think he has to dangle that carrot (or carat) in front of the female masses to lure them in; he should be judged on his merits. (Okay, "judged" might be the wrong word.) Maybe he should go on The Bachelor. He'd find twenty-plus money-grubbers there without even trying.
"The woman that steals my heart will receive a two caret diamond ring assuming there is a wedding down the line."
Well, of course. Let's not assume. I wish him luck in his quest for a woman who is easily blinded by massive, sparkly baubles. Who needs love when you have diamonds, right? Wrong. If nothing else, I have learned money doesn't buy happiness. That is why I currently don't have any.
He closes with, "First of all PLEASE do not live with your parents; been there, done that, and I do not want to do it again."
I came in just under the wire. Phew.
On second thought, keep your ring, buddy. You're going to need it later.
It's intermission time! Popcorn and sodas are out in the lobby. The bathroom is through the first door on your right outside the theater. While you wait, here's a poem from Shawn, who has a goatee, bald head, dark sunglasses and a stoic face that does not match this ditty:
"tired of the old?
want something new?
(Why do you think I'm here?)
i'll be your friend,
(That's a good start.)
if you let me walk with you.
(That's all I have to do? Walk?)
i'll make you feel good.
i'll make you feel great.
(Isn't that what you just said?)
i'll be your best friend.
or i coud be your mate.
(Aren't best friends mates? I'm confused.)
for me your values
you should not bend
i would not ask that
from you my friend.
(There's that word again. Points for originality.)
so if you like
we can sit back and chill some wine
(You tell 'em, Smoove B.)
to spend some time
just cause theres no place to go
(Now you're just not being very resourceful. I'm sure we could think of somewhere to go.)
turn down the lights
(Slow down, Turbo. I've never even met you.)
turn up the radio
(Corporate radio still sucks.)
lets just take it slow
(But you just said something about turning down the lights.)
like to hear from you."
(Girl, he'll be waiting for your call.)
My head hurts.
The Grammar Nazi