Thursday, July 30, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 6: Fun with Profile Taglines




















For my chemistry.com profile tagline, I used a funny quotation my oldest friend once said to me about our younger years. Here are some of my favorite taglines from men wanting to get the attention of women:

maybe we can help each other

Help each other do what? Not die alone?

Wookin pa nub.

...in all da wong paces. Wookin pa nub.
At least he remembers when Eddie Murphy was still funny.

Yes, I even have a brother.

Is he single too? Two for the price of one! Sign me up!

What's in your closet?

Skeletons. Is that the answer you were looking for? Or were you referring to my sexual orientation? It could be that he literally wants to know what's in my closet, in which case: clothes, my collection of vinyl, shoes, roller blades, a tennis racket, ironing board, photos, towels...

The Glass is Half-Full

If you have a full glass of water, and you drink half of it, half of it is now gone. Doesn't that mean you only have half left? Hence, the glass is half-empty. That's just the way I see it. I can't help it.

Dream out loud

How about I take a nap instead? My subconscious dreams are much more tantalizing than anything I ever dream up when I'm awake.

What are you having?

A massive heart attack?

Looking for the co-author to my life's Novel

Once upon a time, there was a putz who capitalized the word novel. The title of your novel is "Novel"? Maybe the cover of his book will be white with a light blue stripe down the side. Generic Life by Man. If you enjoy that, also read Book by Girl.

Aloha, Mr. Hand

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Learning about Cuba and having some food."
See, I can be a vessel for useless pop culture trivia too!

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

If you plan to be immortal, "not dying" is a good start, but unless you're planning to have your body frozen until such time that science may bring you back to life, chances are good that you're going to die, either through old age, cancer, heart disease, drowning, electrocution, getting hit by a car, choking, or perhaps your parachute won't open when you jump out of a plane. In any case, this 35-year-old man can expect a life-expectancy of about 50 more years if he's lucky. Make good use of your time, my friend. Your work will be all we have when you're gone.

Artist Seeks Muse.
This would be a great line, if in fact the rest of the profile suggested this person to be an "artist." He struggles after two sentences to come up with anything more than "1400 more characters." Writing an entire paragraph is more difficult and painful for this stunner than it is for a third grader. I think he needs more than a muse.

A Fool in the Rain...

It really doesn't rain much here in Southern California, so 95% of the time, I guess this guy is just a dry fool wishing for some precipitation.

I get up early to have my coffee on the roof before work and watch the light change.

So you're saying you get up at the buttcrack of dawn? I don't sleep in anymore, but I don't get up in the middle of the night. That's just crazy talk.

Yinyangdingdong!

What?

But Santa, I can explain!


Santa is a figment of your imagination, or didn't your mommy tell you that when you were ten? Stay on the naughty list all you want. No one will notice.

One hot candle just looking for the right match...

All together now. Deep breath and groooooooaaaaannnnnnn.

Once more unto the breach...

Hey, King Henry V, don't do Shakespeare. Just don't.

Charlie Kaufman meets Brian Eno

I think my head just exploded. That's one creative, freakish guy right there.

Light Skin is Back!

Was it ever missing?

Surely You Must Be Joking! No, and don't call me Shirley

Have you ever seen a grown man naked? Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
Ha! Take that, Movie Quote Guy.

good man 4 good women

Tonto like women. Women make Tonto happy. Must have women. (Do you notice his use of plural? He's not looking for a good woman. He's looking for a whole herd of them.)

Creative artist, musician and hard body all rolled into one?

This sentence is in the form of a question, and the answer is a resounding, "Hell no." You should see the photos. He looks like he's wearing make-up in one of them (and not in the cool tranny way); in the other, he has a trampy girl on his arm. Is that a visual cue that if one gets involved with him, he expects threesomes? Classy, dude. Only one word comes to mind, but I can't say it because it's even too mean for me. Here's a hint: It starts with a "d" and ends with a "g", and "oucheba" is in the middle.

Smooches,

The Grammar Nazi

4 comments:

  1. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

    I believe that's a Woody Allen quote. You really have to wonder about a guy who posts a quote by someone suspected of child molestation on a dating site...

    Hurm.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I guess I failed the quote challenge on that one!

    ReplyDelete