Monday, August 10, 2009 Part 10: Every Frog Needs a Princess

The guy who wrote this tag line is not as unattractive as many of the guys I've come across on I wonder why he considers himself a frog. Does he think he'll turn into Brad Pitt if the right girl kisses him? I'll get Angie on the phone. He's a "sucker for a woman with a point of view."

It doesn't matter what your point of view is, as long as you have one. You can be passionate about banning classic literature, leading protests in front of university libraries. That's okay by him. He just likes a woman with a bullhorn and a loud voice.

He likes "foot rubs and sweet nothings over the phone."

The boy has talent. He can massage your toes via voicemail. Count me in.

He confesses that while he's writing this, he's watching a chick flick with Jude Law and Cameron Diaz, and of course, they "ended up happily ever after."

Of course they did! It's a romantic comedy, most of which have the same formula. Boy meets girl. Girl is initially annoyed with boy, even though he's gorgeous. Hilarity ensues while boy tries to win her over. She dates or pines after the wrong boy in the meantime, and doesn't see the true love right in front of her face. They later have a moment in which she realizes her mistake. They kiss. Things are happy for a short time, and then he does something to piss her off, or there is a huge misunderstanding. They fight. They make up because he catches a taxi to the airport and runs to the gate to tell her he loves her before she can run off to take a new job in Paris. They live happily ever after. The end. (This is the storyline for every movie Katherine Heigl has ever made. It makes people who dislike change and reality happy. It's unoriginal, but it works.) Does Mr. Toad really believe this sort of thing happens in real life? Silly, deluded amphibian.

The next guy doesn't seem to be living in a dream world, but he's offbeat to say the least. "I don't do well around 'normals.'"

Of course not. Normals are boring. It's the crazies who make life interesting. Duh.

"I'ver never danced before in my life."

Never? Not even at a wedding when you were twelve and your mom forced you to wear a button-down shirt and slacks without holes in them?

"If you're into that (dancing), you're gonna have someone that dances like Frankenstein with a hemorrhoid flare-up and a sleepy foot as a partner."

But I thought you've never danced before. How do you know you're bad if you have never tried it? Somebody needs a lesson, but not from me.

I like the next guy. He's not picky. "I really am not interested in filtering out anybody..."

What he's saying is he's basically the opposite of me. I have yet to talk to anyone on this website. After what I've read, I even fear the guys who seem to be smart and interesting. What if they aren't who they claim to be? I'm a big chicken. I admit it. The idea of knowing anything about anyone based on a couple photos and a few paragraphs is asinine. Maybe I should give someone a chance.

Or not. Take this profile, for instance: "IM IN CONSTRUCTION BUT IT SUCKS SO BAD THIS YEAR!!!"

STOP YELLING. Please note this guy is 35, not 12, and does not look like he has a mental disability, which makes this next part mind-boggling:


I would like to say, on record, that this man's third grade teacher should be taken out back and shot. Let's throw in his ninth grade English teacher too, just for good measure. Wow, just wow. Remember, I am PAYING for this sh*t. Oh wait. He lives in Huntington Beach. That explains a lot.

Take a deep breath and flip the page to Jack, who has "no sense of humor but [he's] working on it."

How do you "work on" getting a sense of humor if you don't have one to begin with? Can you imagine laughing at a movie or a column in the newspaper or your sister's jokes, and having this guy give a little half smile and a puzzled look that says, "I have no idea why you're chuckling?" That's probably the worst quality I could think of in a man, aside from the guy directly above this whose spelling of the word "reality" is so far off, it looks like it's written in some undecipherable Eastern European language.

Okay, last one for tonight. Here's a lawyer who has "about 8 kids."

About? As in, I have six kids with two (or three) different women, but I ran into another couple of girls who had kids nine months after I quit seeing them, so it's possible I have eight, or is it nine? I can't keep track. I only pay child support for two, but whatever.

"I have several aliases (each with its own criminal record)."

He's trying to be funny. I get that. But what if he's saying these outrageous things, and he really means them? We're sitting over here saying, "Oh, how clever. Ha ha ha," when really, he's a criminal with a million illegitimate kids.

"I think Shawshank Redemption was 'just ok.'"

Forget the herd of children, the unlawfulness and the whole Jason Bourne plethora of passports thing. How can he not like this movie? What's wrong with him? There's a lot I can put up with, but being ho-hum about Shawshank just isn't one of them.

Until next time,

The Grammar Nazi