Saturday, August 22, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 13: What's the Point of Being So Picky?

Here we have a filmmaker who says his friends tell him, "'You never miss a chance to make a bad first impression!' So this will prolly be that...I'm a writer and general wordsmith..."

He was right about one thing: He made a poor first impression. He was wrong about another thing: No "general wordsmith" uses a word like "prolly." Prolly is not even a word, or didn't this "writer" realize that?

"Double pigeon in yoga always feels like I've been assaulted."

What the hell is a double pigeon and why do I care if you can't do it? (Fun fact: Did you know pigeons are just rats with wings? The more you know...)

"I have three bicycles."

I have one, and I just fell off of it, slid down the sidewalk and tore the crap out of my knee. I think I'll stay away from anything involving two wheels for awhile.

The next guy calls himself a "bon vivant." He "chews with his mouth closed."

Gosh, is he potty trained too? If so, I may have found my dream guy. It would help if he knew how to tie his shoes and make his own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Maybe if he's lucky, I'll teach him how to drive a stick shift after he gets his driver's permit.

He wants to "learn to fly."

Whoa, one thing at a time, little buddy. Now ease up on that clutch as you shift into second. Don't grind the gears, and take your other foot off the brake!

He requests a woman with "no violent felony convictions."

Well, there was that one time, but he was really asking for it, and I never was convicted, so it really doesn't count. Does it?

Daniel wants a woman with "no baggage."



















NO baggage? I can understand not wanting a woman who needs a police escort for her baggage, but NO baggage in your late thirties? Surely a single woman pushing forty has SOME baggage if she hasn't been living under a rock for the last twenty years. He's going to be hard-pressed to find a baggage-free lady. Packing light has never been my specialty, but I'm learning. The college boyfriend who broke my heart used to take up a room full of suitcases. Now he fits snugly in my makeup bag. My ex-husband is probably the equivalent of that last pair of shoes you probably won't wear on your trip, but you take them anyway because you don't want to be left with sneakers when you need boots. Unfortunately, shoes are what make the bag heaviest. I also pack a lot of black clothes because they go with everything (and because I like black), and I have found they fit better if I roll them up instead of folding them, but I honestly have no idea how that fits into this baggage metaphor. So never mind.

Oh look! Another writer. I see a pattern. This one says, "Since there's no way to do this without sounding somewhat like a Cal Worthington used-car ad, I'll just give you the facts."

I wonder how many dogs Cal has named Spot by now. Is that commercial still running? Am I the only one who used to think the lyrics to the song were "pussy cow, pussy cow, pussy cow," instead of "go see Cal"?

One of the "facts" about this guy is that he likes to figure out "the fancy-schmancy procedure for drinking the bottle of absinthe on [his] shelf."

Yikes. I'll just stick to vodka and wine.

We have someone here who is stuck in the '80s. First he references a local Southern California commercial from when remote controls were still attached to the TV. Now this: "I'm looking for someone who doesn't use the phrase 'love connection,' unless it's in conjunction with Chuck Woolery."

I have news for him. No one talks about the game show Love Connection anymore. That show has been gone for YEARS. New unwatchable "reality" shows have sprung up since the days of The Newlywed Game and The Dating Game. You know, like The Bachelor and Rock of Love. Crap like that. What year is this? Get with the program, dude.

Onward and hopefully upward. Ooo, here's one: "Describing oneself is always a complicated thing...how does one, without subjective questioning; manage to successfully speak of their self without sounding conceited or goofy?"

You thought I was going to make it a whole day without nitpicking someone's grammar, didn't you? Sorry, you were dead wrong. There's nothing worse than a person who TRIES to sound sophisticated and, in the process, totally effs up the English language. "I'll just throw in a semicolon anywhere just so it looks like I know how to use one." One should not use a semicolon if one does not understand the concept of one. Stop saying one when you're talking about yourself, mister! Congratulations. You've pulled off sounding goofy after all.

Last one for today: "I never take NO for an answer."

Yes, you do. *Delete.*

Annoyed as always,

The Grammar Nazi

3 comments:

  1. Pussy cow is alive and well in Carlsbad, I believe. I get the commercials in San Diego.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Puncuation train-wreck For the LOSE.

    ReplyDelete