Monday, August 24, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 14: Que Sara Sara




















Who is Sara? Is she your girlfriend? If you have a girlfriend already, why are you on a dating site? Perhaps Sara is the one who got away. By the way, it's spelled sera, F*ck Face.

This one fancies himself an intellectual who watches the History Channel and PBS.

Yet, he would make Doris Day cringe if she saw how he misspelled her classic song. What will be will be Sara, apparently.

He lists as one of his favorite recent movies "Moliere'."

If you don't know where to put the accent mark, don't put it anywhere, dude. Besides, that's not even an accent mark. (Insert John Hughes "Moe-lay-really-pumps-my-nads" reference here, for all you self-proclaimed pop culture junkies.)

What's most special about this guy's profile is the use of the word "allot." As in "a lot." And he used it no fewer than three times.

The overuse of "a lot" is bad enough without the misspelling. You will now find Grammar Nazi crying in the fetal position, rocking, sucking my thumb and speaking gibberish. I have few strands of hair left on my head at this point. I don't know how I'm going to make it to October reading these profiles.

I continue to cry as I read the next one. Scratch that. I'm sobbing now. This sailor likes to "party wityh [his] friends."

If you don't have enough common sense to catch a perfectly catch-able typo, don't bother trying to find your next ex-wife, pal.

Remember that man a long time ago who misspelled the word "intelligent"? You didn't think it could happen again, but it did because people are crazy stupid around these parts. This one says he wants to find an "inteligent" woman.

I even think he misspelled the word differently from the last spelling-challenged dumb*ss. Alternate spellings of "intelligent": Let me count the ways.

He also wants someone "atractive" who "enjoys quite and introspevtive moments with a book..."

No amount of spell-checking will help this man, and I doubt he's ever picked up a book in his life, and yet, he makes more money than I do. What the f*ck is wrong with this world?

He was "raced Catholic."

Dear God: Make it stop.

He lists his job as "enginerring design."

Dear God: Why didn't you listen to me? Hello?

Okay, moving on. I found someone who can spell. In Latin. His headline reads similia similibus curantur.

I admit I had to look it up because I can't stand not to know what something means if I don't understand it. Thank you, Google. How did I live without you?

What Smarty Pants meant is "likes are cured with likes," but the definition I found was this: "
The homeopathic axiom expressing the law of similars or the doctrine that any drug capable of producing detrimental symptoms in healthy individuals will relieve similar symptoms occurring as an expression of disease." (from answers.com)

So his tag line is basically about anti-venom. How romantic.

Next he says, "What words can I spill out onto your screen that would be the window to my world, my soul..."

How about you start with something other than a reference to drugs and disease. Just a thought.
Side note: Who uses the words "window to my world, my soul" with a straight face? Seriously. My tears have turned to giggles. I see progress here.

And just in time for another poem! It has been awhile since we dissected a poem. A faceless man with a name that rhymes with "gargles" has just provided us with some literary couplets rivaling Shakespeare. Let's take a gander. The unfortunate and irrelevant title is "Scooby dooby doo":

"I am me and thats who i be.
you are you I put simply."

A rhyming couplet even. Goody.

"you with me we could be we...don't you see?"

I with you could be glue. Comprende?

"how much would could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could bench press 150lbs?"


Maybe a woodchuck wouldn't just chuck "would." Maybe it would also chuck "should" and "could."

"I once knew a girl from nantuckette,
who really liked to say 'funky towwwn."

Did I mention this man is forty-years-old, lives in Beverly Hills and also makes more money than I do? Excuse me while I load this gun.

"Hope you found this interesting and entertaining."


Sorry, Marlowe. Try again. On second thought, please just go away.

Here's a "new member" who says, "I love the recession" where his profession should be. His headline says, "Probably not the profile you're looking for."

Probably?


The first sentence of the first line is "'Chemistry' must be the single mosted used word in profiles..."

Mosted. Yes, he said mosted. I think the mosted used words in these profiles should be, "Hey, if you don't mind someone who is functionally literate, we're in business."

I rest my case with the next bozo, who thinks he "could be the perfect one for you." In his one paragraph, he misspells "buisness," possibbly," "legitamate" and says, "I'am."

The gun is now cocked and ready. I may rewrite my profile with a headline in bold letters: ATTENTION MEN OF CHEMISTRY.COM: CHECK YOUR SPELLING AND PROOFREAD. Something tells me the effort would be futile.

See you soon, if I'm still here,

The Grammar Nazi

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