Saturday, August 29, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 15: Spell check not required!


Finally, a guy who understands the importance of spelling! How refreshing. He knows "the difference between 'your' and 'you're'."

Hallelujah!

He's "looking for someone" who is "not psycho."

I've seen that word often lately, which makes me wonder about the caliber of women on these dating sites. I wish I could filter through the females on chemistry.com to see "the other side."

"No tendencies to decorate in pink."

Check.

"Not a bible thumper."

Check. (Bible should be in caps, but we'll let him slide on that one.)

"Bonus points if you know how to drive a stick shift."

Double check. I learned how to drive a stick when I learned how to drive. I even took my driver's test using a manual transmission. I miss my 1980 green Volvo "tank." Okay, not really.

"Points deducted if you're a picky eater."

I will eat basically anything, except lima beans and liver. (Note his correct use of the word "you're." High five.)

"I recently went to 'the river' for the first time and I gotta say, that was a hoot."

River should be capitalized. Gotta isn't a word. No comma before that. Who says "hoot" when not in conjunction with an owl? I've never heard of the Colorado River being called a "hoot." I wouldn't exactly call underage drinking and teenage orgies a "hoot." Yes, I've seen that, and yes, it was disturbing, but that was a holiday weekend. Maybe he was there on a weekday right after school started. Who knows.

"I'm right-handed in everything I do except eat."

Well, there's a picture. He forgot to mention his left hand comes in darn handy for looking up Internet porn.

The next guy does nothing to curb my apprehension about meeting total strangers for dates. He's an experienced Internet dater who is going "to try one last time to actually meet someone who is who they say they are."

Oh boy. This should be good.


"I have met a few women on-line with no success. I met someone who was attractive in her picture, although in person had no teeth."

No teeth? Poor guy. How is it that a person could end up with not one single tooth? Even people who barely take care of their teeth at least have a few dirty chompers. I would love to know the story behind a woman living in 2009 in Southern California who has NO teeth. You know what? He has to be lying. I believed him for a second because I'm THAT gullible.

"I met someone intelligent and witty who also wanted children within two hours of us meeting..."

Now THAT I can believe. Desperate people walk these streets. Talk about a foolproof way to send someone running. Someone needs to teach that woman a couple rules about keeping a man around, instead of watching the dust cloud form behind him like Wile E. Coyote.

"I met someone who seemed refined and well balanced, however got naked on the dinner table at a local restaurant after only one drink."

I call bullsh*t on that run-on sentence. That did not happen. It just didn't. This is the part where he reveals the joke to show what a great sense of humor he has. Only, he doesn't do that. He's totally serious. Strange.

I'm still trying to figure out what the next headline means: "Every day my sock drawer is a little game of concentration..."

A) He doesn't fold his socks and can't find matches.
B) He loses socks in the laundry and can't find matches.

C) Half his socks have holes in them, and he has to dig for the good ones.
D) Why is this important again?

He takes the sarcasm route to start, as many tend to do: "First of all, I'm terribly boring, and not very smart either; but occasionally an interesting thought passes through my head...No, scratch that...I've never had an interesting thought...and come to think of it, I may be really boring..."

I understand he's trying to be funny, but I really don't find this all that humorous. He used the word "boring" twice to try to prove that he is, in fact, NOT boring. He also misused a semicolon, but at least he's in the ballpark of semicolon usage, unlike the guy who threw it in the middle of the sentence for no reason. I can't let him go for all those ellipses though. They are supposed to be in place of words that aren't there, but they are overused to show pauses. Must...stop...doing...that...dude.

He's "always interested in learning new things. (I believe welding is next on the list!)"

Welding is not at the top of my bucket list. I don't think I'll be lying on my death bed with tubes coming out of my nose, frail and weak, thinking, "My life would be complete, if only I had learned to weld." I don't know about you, but I'm kind of over this guy.

Here we have a systems administrator who seems to be mildly obsessed with Brad Pitt.

Join the club, bucko.

"I like to think I resemble Brad Pitt, but I don't."

At least he's honest.

"But I am way more compassionate than he is, and I'm nicer and have stronger morals than he does."

How does he know that? Does he know Brad Pitt? Oh my god! He knows Brad Pitt! Maybe I should ask for an introduction.

Later, he says, "I also like to talk in metaphors and hyberbole."

What was my first clue?

"I am a liberal/conservative/centrist hybrid."

Definite hyberbole. Is that even possible?

"What I don't want in a partner is a meanie. Or Brad Pitt."

That makes one of us.

Cheers,

The Grammar Nazi

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