Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 8: Please No Drama Queens!




















Most of the profiles on chemistry.com expressly prohibit contact with any drama queens. For once, I am in complete agreement, and something these men say makes sense. Nobody likes a drama queen.

What doesn't make sense, however, is what Ralph says: "I won't make advances towards a woman no matter how attracted I am...I have girl friends but we respect each others space."

Level with me, Ralph. Have you ever kissed a girl on the mouth who wasn't your mother? Have you ever been on a date before? How do two people ever get together if no one makes a move? I'm guessing you can find this guy at a Star Trek convention, a comic book store or playing World of Warcraft in the privacy of his own home with a bevy of other online geeks on any given day. Poor Ralph. Hopefully someday he can scratch "hold hands with a female" off his bucket list.

It's a day of firsts on this lovely dating site because Jacob here "just recently bought [his] first microwave..."

Whoa, back up, June Cleaver. I'm still having trouble figuring out how I got through college without an email address, and Mr. 1950s Homemaker made it to 2009 without a microwave? Stunning. I don't know how anyone could survive without a microwave nowadays. What does he use to cook his food in? An oven? Sheesh. I bet he'd like to borrow my grandma's antique butter-churner. I'd also bet he uses a washboard to clean his clothes and saddles up a Clydesdale to get to work on the 405. Don't worry. Jacob will buy his first CD in ten years after he finally removes that 8-track player from his Pinto. Although, you might have trouble reaching him since he has a rotary-dial phone with a cord and no answering machine. It must be tough being Amish. Hit me up during Rumspringa, buddy.

I found a pair who would get along famously, if only we could match them up. Rod says, "I'm a foodie who likes to dine out and try different foods." Frank says, "Foodies beware. I am not."

What's curious to me isn't the fact that these two are complete opposites when it comes to their epicureal interests, or lack thereof. It's not that Rod likes caviar and creme brulee and Frank digs hot dogs and Cheez-Its. No, that's not what's fascinating. What's remarkable is that they both used the word "foodie" in their profiles. How random! And what is this "beware" threat? If you like gourmet meals, I'm going to smother you with a pillow in your sleep? I can only imagine what he'd do if he ever got his hands on Rachel Ray. Although, he might give her a break because of her professional affiliation with Dunkin Donuts. (As well he should. Have you ever had their coffee? It makes Starbucks' look like mud. Eng plug.)

Oscar considers himself "mildly sane" and "can wash the dishes better than you."

I doubt that, for am I am a dishwashing master. But let's go back to that "mildly sane" reference. From the looks of Oscar's photo, he seems like a relatively average guy. He's smiling. He dresses well. He's doesn't have any visible facial scars or other war injuries. Normal, right? Apparently not so, which makes me wonder about all the other guys who claim to be the "nice" ones, but look like the Unibomber's extended family. My trust issues are mounting being on this website; I don't think it's good for my mental health. By the time I've perused my last profile, I will be "mildly sane" too. Then maybe I'll consider dating Oscar. Until then...

There's always Bob. He "loves beer, bbq, and things that go fast."

From the looks of his photo, he loves beer most. He's holding a pint in front of his hammered, bug-eyed face. Vroom Vroom.

I'm trying not to nitpick about the bad grammar today, but I just can't pass this one up. The next unsuspecting butt of my jokes considers himself a "good person (a relax one)."

I'm a relax person too, one who considers herself excite, yet sometimes depress. ADD AN ED TO YOUR ADJECTIVE, FOOL. Okay, I feel better.

Here's another one, an entrepeneur who is "not for woossy's." He "dares you to try."

I dare you to try to stop me from beating my head against a stucco wall because of the misspelling of "woossy," and the apostrophe s on top of that. Come on, people. Really?

Our final entry today, boys and girls, is a man who "grew up with cats and birds." He says, "Hello, I am me" in his tag line.

Hello, Me! I am You. Wait. No, that's not right. It's also not right to grow up with cats and birds in the same house. (I just had a useless trivia moment: "Dogs and Cats living together!" Name that film. These guys are rubbing off on me.) Anyway, I wonder if any of those kitties ever pounced on any of those parakeets and finches in Darryl's house. That would be quite traumatizing for a kid. Now, if he grew up with monkeys and ferrets that would be cool. As it stands, I bet his mom is now a crazy animal hoarder whose house will be roped off as a result of an inordinate amount of animal feces, and the apple doesn't fall far from the perch, so I'm out.

Later,

The Grammar Nazi

1 comment:

  1. You're like the Mr. T of proper adjectives.

    ReplyDelete