Thursday, August 6, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 9: Women are crazy. Men are stupid.




















Hey, I didn't say it. Roger did. I think he's right though, generally speaking. It's a wonder any couple ever gets together, stays together and remains happy. But we all keep trying, don't we? Suckers, the lot of us.

This sucker is reading about a digital designer in Torrance who doesn't "care so much about your past but rather how much [he] can trust you." Also, he prefers "no size queens."

*Choke.* Did he really just say that?

He follows that with, "I find it kinda hard to describe myself..."

I think you just did a good job of revealing a tiny, personal tidbit about yourself already, mister. You probably should have saved that special detail for a much later date, but there it is, all laid out on the slab for everyone to see - with a magnifying glass.

"I don't fool around."

Not surprising.

Okay, sorry. I'll stop.

Next, we have a couple of men who fall into the "way too soon to be here" category. My heart goes out to them. (I do too have a heart.) I think they should wait to date for awhile. What do you think?

"I am separated from my wife with an unclear future."

Notice he said separated, not divorced. This is a red flag to anyone who doesn't want to wear that special "rebound girl" label. I can just imagine what would happen after a few dates. The girl starts to open up, get comfortable with him and WHAM, he hits her with this: "My wife and I have decided to try to work things out for the kids." Ouch.

"I was asked to leave my home for something that makes sense. Five people cannot live in a two-bedroom townhouse."

Okay, I'm confused. This guy is a surgeon, so I think he can afford a bigger house, and I doubt his wife asked him to head for the hills because there just wasn't enough room for him at the kitchen table. So what's the deal? What did he do wrong, or what kind of crazy (see headline) b*tch is she? Sadly,
I won't be sticking around long enough to find out the, no doubt, extensive back-story here.

The next rebounder i
s "recently divorced and [hasn't] dated in a very long time. I'm not anxious to get back into anything serious any time soon. I just want to go out and have a good time with some lovely ladies in my area."

He wants you to sleep with him to make him feel temporarily better about his dissolved marriage. That's okay if that's what you want, but if you want a boyfriend, run. Run far. Run quickly. This guy ain't ready yet. Set the timer for six to nine months. Poke him with a toothpick at that time to make sure he's not still raw inside. Hang in there, man. It gets better. Sort of. Okay, maybe not "better," but "different."

Next, Rico Suave wants someone who used to be a total whore, but is now ready to settle down, but not be boring. She should still be a total whore with just him. Here's what I mean:

"You were probably a playa in your day? so you know a thing or two by now. and you're NOT conservative or naive...but you're not a player anymore either...you might even be a lil' perv sometimes?"

See?

"you may even want to settle down? but not in a "stuffy" or "settling" way! right?"

Does settling down have to be equated with lame and boring? I don't think so, but I don't really know if I like the term "settling down" anyway, since it just makes life sound "over." I'm not sure if Mr. Suave is going to find what he's looking for exactly, but I wish him luck.

It's class clown time. This self-proclaimed child who doesn't want to grow up said he wrote some things about himself, but then thought they sounded too "shredded wheat." His words were lacking in the "frosty" department.

I wasn't allowed to have sugar cereals at home when I was a kid, so shredded wheat sounds peachy to me. But after reading what else he has to say, I think a day with Mr. Faux Hawk would be more Fruit Loops than Cheerios.

"I watch what I eat, exercise, and get enough sleep, but only so I can let my 'inner fat kid' run things from time to time."

Is that why you're holding a cake box in your photo? He's one of those rail thin freaks who can eat whatever he wants and not gain a pound, isn't he? I hate those people. I bet he'd set up camp in Willy Wonka's factory if we'd let him. Although, he has other interests:

"I am passionate about mountain biking, unicycling, working out, going to concerts, playing music, scrapbooking, dressing up and going out..."

Sing it with me. Which one of these kids is doing his own thing? Come on, can you tell which one? Scrapbooking? Somehow I don't picture the guy in the pink shirt and leather black tie gluing photos and glitter into a book. Call me crazy. Oh right, "women are crazy." I almost forgot.

Night,

The Grammar Nazi

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