Monday, September 28, 2009 Part 21: Rorschach Profile

Are you saying your profile is just one giant symmetrical inkblot splat?

He says he "once danced on Richard Nixon's grave."

Weird. I don't know whether to shout, "Good for you!" or "What a freak!"

"I always drive it like I stole it."

And then do donuts on Richard Nixon's grave?

"I ask lots of questions. Some of them even have answers."

I ask a lot of questions, and many of the answers are still elusive, but that's what makes life interesting.

"I recently watched my beloved classic Porsche being totally destroyed by an engine fire."

"A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile."

Okay, his promise of a Rorschach profile did not disappoint. It was definitely all over the place.

The next guy wants a girl he can have fun with "scaling a rugged peak or just wandering around IKEA."

How about scaling the peaks of IKEA? Those are some tall-ass buildings. They may even exceed the height necessary for base-jumping. Let me get out my measuring tape. Pass me my chute. Let's go!

Here's the part of the day when we stop to question the more confusing profiles on statements that make you say, "Wha?" Ponder this puzzler, for instance:

"I'm looking for a woman who wants to be related."

You know what they say: Incest is best. That, however, is not legal, my friend. I don't think the word "related" means what you think it means. Unfortunately, he does it again:

"I like spending time together and getting more related."

If you're already related, how do you get "more" related? She's either your cousin, or she's not your cousin. You can't force her bloodline to be similar to yours if it didn't start out that way.

Here's Puzzler Man Deux:

"And not sure of what kind of relationship I want..." and in the next breath, "pretty much straight forward with what I want."

He doesn't know what he wants, but he's really straightforward about what he wants. Pretty much. That makes sense. To no one.

Puzzler Three:

"I am a single father of a ten year old son and have been for the past 8 years."

When I first read that, I thought his ten-year-old son was somehow eight-years-old because it sounded like he has been a father for that long. Now I get it. It took me a second. I glossed over the word "single." My bad.

Puzzler Man Four:

"I process by processing the process."

I delete you by deleting with the delete key.

It's time for spelling errors! Yay! My most favoritist part of the day.

(Yes, I know favoritist isn't a word. If you know the rules, you're allowed to break them.)

"People are so much more animated in 3 demensions don't you think?"

Is that like watching demons at an IMAX theater? (Also, run-on sentence alert!)

The same guy says, "I still listen to electornic music and work with some film students on thier projects..."

I'm also dyslexic. Did you notcie?

Now it's time to play a little game called "Right Spelling. Wrong Word."

You must be "subject to approval by a panel of my piers (I have two sisters)."

Do your sisters hang out at the beach, hover over the ocean, get crapped on by seagulls and trampled by tourists?

Contestant number two says, "Weather it is just hanging out in the evening, throwing darts..."

I didn't know the sun, clouds and that thick morning marine layer could play a fierce game of Cricket. Bullseye!

Last, we have an endearing prospect whose headline reads: "Every other guy on this is a creep with an STD. I'm sure of it."

What a gentleman. Get me out of here.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered,

The Grammar Nazi

Tuesday, September 22, 2009 Part 20: 32 Flavors and then some

Is one of those flavors triple chocolate fudge brownie mousse extravaganza? If so, I'd like a date with you, sir. If not, ew.

This Altadena resident says, "Being weird is hard..."

It's actually fairly easy to be weird. I think you're confusing "weird" with "creepy stalker." Just look at that photo! You'd give Norman Bates a run for his money.

"Looking for someone who is passionate and committed and maybe a little bit dirty (secretly dirty or overtly dirty - doesn't matter.)"

He must fall under the "Lot-a-bit dirty" category, and surely, he's overt about it. I would like to know his definition of "dirty" because I doubt it would coincide with mine. On second thought, I'll just run away.

The next profile starts with, "Is it me, or is this place comedy?"

You said it! This guy is my new best friend. He gets it.

"Ok this is like my 9 millionth attempt at this..."

You have more patience than I do. I have already "checked out." I am definitely not the online dating kind of girl, and I'm okay with that.

"I am a man. I have all my limbs. I am fond of using toothpaste..."

This guy is funny.

"If you don't like to laugh...then we're probably going to fight and then I'll have to get on craigslist and say horrible things about you in multiple cities..."

This guy is really funny.

"I drive fast, eat rare steaks, argue with cops and gamble with parking meters."

I drive defensively, eat medium rare steaks, comply with cops and feed meters quarters like candy.

"I think people who drive manual transmissions are better lovers."

I learned on a stick when I was 15.

"Dogs should weigh more than a PC."

And cats should weigh far less.

"No photo = no dice."

Bingo! You're speaking my language, G-Money. I want to be friends with this guy.

I don't, however, want to be friends with the next guy: "Okay, I'm a total bumb."

Bumb? Like bumb on a log? or like bumble bee without "le bee." You're a bum. There's no extra b, buddy.

"I stay at home and watch tv all day."

How boring.

"My parents support me..."

Lucky you.

"I play darts with my pants around my ankles."

*Raises hand.* Excuse me? Mister? Um, how does that help your aim? Also, you might want to make sure you don't release the dart as your arm is coming back down. That could hurt. Just a tip.

Next up: another techie. Mr. Mac Support says, "If you are constantly looking up, you're probably missing something right at your feet."

My shoes? Gravel? What? Never mind.

So, here's a product designer who also doesn't like drama.

Because really, who does?

If there's drama, "games end and with only 2 players there's a 50% chance looser will be you."

Looser than what? I'm just full of questions today. It's spelled LOSER. Like that. See?

Always here to help,

The Grammar Nazi

Friday, September 18, 2009 Part 19: NO CHEESY FIST LINE

It's amazing what one little forgotten 'r' can do to change the entire context of a malformed headline. It a) does in fact make his first line cheesy, and b) inadvertently references something that shouldn't be discussed with total strangers. Or at all.

This same man likes to "lern new things."

Let's start with the word "learn," shall we?

His friends and family are "vary important" to him.

Are they really? "It varies." Har har.

He likes "4-wheelrs" and enjoys sharing his "intrests."

Apparently his interests do not include the usage of vowels.

Unlike Mr. Spelling-Challenged, the next poor chump says, "HOWDY!" and then points out that he purposefully wrote a "cheesy intro, but [he lives] in Norco. Sometimes that rubs off on you."

Last time I checked, the only thing that rubs off on you as a Norco resident is the putrid stench of cow manure. Have you ever been to Norco? It's kind of like Chino. If your car windows were rolled down before you got there, they are quickly rolled up while you hit the A/C recirculate button on your dashboard and pass through town with Cheetah-like speed. No one, except the owners of the aforementioned cows, actually lives there. Oh, and this credit analyst.

Nerd alert! Nerd alert! Nerd alert! Hold everything and try to analyze this:

"Leader of the Great Old Ones. Cthulhu exists in a deep sleep of death in the watery depths of R'lyeh silently dreaming, waiting for the day when the stars are right and his worshippers raise R'lyeh from the Pacific Ocean."

It's on like Comic-Con. His whole paragraph goes on like that, and the fact that I have no idea what he's talking about affirms my position as a member of the "cool kids." Although this paragraph says nothing direct about Geek Boy, it says EVERYTHING I need to know. I believe he's going to star in the 40-Year-Old Virgin 2: Electric Boogaloo.

My fellow Grammar Nazis: Prepare yourself for what's about to come. Don't say I didn't warn you: "I could honestly say that I;m loal respectful very considerate and when it comes to satisfying or accommadating the person I;m with. I am deffinetly not selffish"

We have reached Defcon 5, people. This is not a test. Improper use of a semicolon. Lack of commas. Misspellings. No period at the end of the sentence. A lengthy fragment. This is a grammarian's worst nightmare, and the guy is even cute! Is there no justice? Pass the oxygen mask. I'm hyperventilating.

Let's move on to someone who can relate to my love of the English language: an English teacher. He teaches because [he likes] supporting kids, and [likes] figuring out how to make them stronger thinkers and writers. And it's fun."

Fun? Did he say fun?
There is nothing "fun" about teaching English to teenagers. Painful? Yes. Mortifying? Yes. Debilitating? Yes. Fun? No.

Oh my. The next Enemy of Words writes a long paragraph and puts an apostrophe before every 's' at the end of every word. He writes "take's," "event's," "eye's," "feeling's," "enjoy's," and "say's," to name a plethora.

Why do you insist on making me cry, Mr. Camera Security Systems Man?
It's as if, because he doesn't know when to put an apostrophe 's' at the end of words, he just hedges his bets and does it for all of them, knowing every once in awhile, he'll get it right. In this case, he's wrong more often than not. I'd say, go the other way, and don't throw in an apostrophe, even when one is required.

Finally, we have a guy who works for an "online social networking company."

You mean like this one?

He says, "I like watching movies in the dark."

As opposed to in broad daylight in the middle of the street? Isn't "the dark" normally where films are shown?
Just stating the obvious. Don't ask him. He just works here.

La La Love you,

The Grammar Nazi

Monday, September 14, 2009 Part 18: Not a Bone Head!

Nice headline. I like "not a bone head" in my man. It's a nice quality. Also, bonehead is one word. It's one of those "compound" thingamajigs we learned in third grade.

I think the anger quotient has gone up in recent days on Thinly veiled references to past dating disasters abound. Take this one, for instance:

"She has a steady job and can support herself if needed, so I know she isn't just with me for a meal ticket...She also knows that you don't have to go on a vacation every single week-end...Sorry I had to say it."

Won't you take me to Bitter Town? Won't you take me to Bit-ter Town? Are there really girls who expect you to take them on vacation every weekend, or even want to, for that matter? That sounds exhausting.

Over-the-Dating-Scene Guy #2 has "dated a string of hot psychos and I'm so over the high maintenance voodoo mind games some young women play."

Somebody knows how to pick 'em. Maybe, like the rest of us who have failed at love, this guy needs to look inward and figure out what it is that's causing him to choose such women. We're not all the way this guy describes them. Guys say they hate mind games, but when you're straightforward, they freak out. So what exactly does this guy really want?

Guy #3 is "tired of getting slammed down."

I feel your pain. Join the club. I'm a co-founder. Punch and cookies are in the corner. Coffee is on the right. The bathroom is down the hall. The meeting will start in ten minutes. Feel free to bring your friends next time.

Guy #4 says, "I find that neither party is usually willing to change and it just adds stress to the relationship."

This is true. It's not really something to put in a dating profile, but true nonetheless. However, when you meet the right person, there isn't really much change that is required. It shouldn't be that hard. Right? Right? Someone please confirm.

Guy #5 doesn't want someone "high strung. High maintenance drama has no place in my life."

It apparently has had its place at some point, or you wouldn't be making it a central focus. Where are all these high-maintenance drama-causing chicks? I want to round them up and give them a stern talking to.

He also wants someone who does "not depend on me to make EVERY decision."

Don't you want to know the back story on these guys without actually asking them?

Guy #6 is "cynical and sarcastic, but only if I really like you."

How are you when you DON'T really like me? Nice?

He adds, "i believe punctuation matters...sometimes."

But you don't believe punctuation matters in this case when you were supposed to capitalize the first word in your sentence? Blargh! He, in fact, doesn't capitalize any of his words. That drives me batty. Is it really that hard to hit the shift button on your keyboard?

I'm done with the indignant crowd for now (except that I have to live with myself, of course). Next we have a prospect who "sat at the 'cool' lunch table in elementary school."

Elementary school this is not. Although, I do remember sitting with my friends who used to tease me for bringing peanut butter and banana sandwiches to school. "THAT'S GROSS!" Don't knock them until you try them, kiddos. As for sitting with the "cool" kids, I honestly don't remember who the cool kids were in 1981. That was a long time ago.

Here we have a high school teacher who wants someone who "enjoys exercise and sex."

Like magic, let's combine those two things into one and save some time going to the gym. Presto! Burn calories and have fun simultaneously. What a concept. By the way, who DOESN'T enjoy sex? If you fit into that category, my deepest apologies.

Finally, I just want to point out that someone referred to Monty Python as "dumb comedy."

Don't ever do that again. Monty Python is genius. Someone get me a comfy chair so I can beat this guy with it.

Off to build a giant badger,

The Grammar Nazi

Monday, September 7, 2009 Part 17: Monkeisme

Should that be "Monkey is me," or does this guy wear a brown Gregorian robe and threw in an extra vowel accidentally?
We'll never know. (Pie lesu domine. Dona eis requiem. WHACK!)

In honor of International Literacy Day (9-8-09), it's Leave a Letter Completely Out of a Word Day on Here are tributes to this new holiday:
fiends (instead of friends)
moutain (instead of mountain)
speial (instead of special)
dram (instead of drama)
jus (instead of just)
partern (Okay, no letters are missing. I just had to add this terrible example of a typo for "partner".)

Do you know what this reminds me of? Did you ever see the South Park episode where the kids go to the planetarium, and the tour guide calls it the plane'arium all day? Yeah, that.

The guy who wants no "dram" also "no how to treat a woman with respect." If "your a fun glirl looking for a kickback guy to have fun with we can talk and see were it goes from there."

Did I mention it's International Literacy Day? This guy owns his own business, but can't write his way out of a paper sack. This frightens me. But then, you should know that by now.

Here we have the most annoyingly positive man in the whole world. He wants someone who "loves life as much as [he does]."

That's great. You should want that, but you don't have to repeat it over and over.

Here's what I mean: "I'm a positive and happy person...I love life....I'm looking for a cool girl who likes to be happy in life...If I had to design a perfect girl: a perfect smile who smiles all the time and loves life. Is positive all the time..."

We get it. Positive, happy, loves life. Your profile could be shortened a tad and could still keep that element of sugary sweet in tact. Pass me the Tums.

He also says he's "every girls dream guy..."

Presumptuous much? Oh, and you forgot an apostrophe. "Dream" belongs to "girls." It's possessive, which could be the case with you as well, since your overt egotistical happiness could be masking inner insecurities. Just a guess.

I'm confused by this line: "Lived a LL Lifestyle in past."

What does LL stand for? Lesbian lover? Little lifeboat? Laminated liver? I'm so confused.

As much as the last guy was exuberant and repetitive, "The Man" is dry and says nothing about himself or what he's looking for:

"You will probably want to use quoted language in your personal essay."

Who said anything about an essay, Professor?

"There is nothing like the 'heard voice' to create the impression that this is real."

You're typing, aren't you? That means you exist, which means you are real. Just say, "Hey, I'd like to chat on the phone to make this more personal." Isn't that what you're trying to say?

"Spoken speech engages another whole sense and enriches the medium immensely."

Does anyone else get the sense we're in a classroom reading a lesson?

"Unfortunately, using quoted language demands a whole set of typographical conventions - the quotation marks themselves and the various commas and end-marks that are required."

Yes, but who the heck are you?

"The Guide to Grammar and Writing contains a brief section on quotation marks to help you."

You're talking to the wrong girl.

Here's a profile where only one thing is worth mentioning: "I love my power tools!"

You too?

Next we have one of those unfortunate souls who should be looking for a male instead of a female, but he just hasn't quite figured it out yet. In his profile photo, he's wearing an apron in the kitchen (and no, that's not why he looks gay). What's interesting is that he makes a point in his first line that should be a given, considering he's looking for a woman: "I am a young, well employed heterosexual guy..."

Are you sure about that? I'm not convinced, and something tells me you're not either, since you had to state it.

"My immediate goal is...a meeting of the minds and possible other parts of the anatomy."


The day wouldn't be complete without a certifiable freak in the mix. He starts by asking, "What brings you here?"

Well, originally it was to find a possible mate, but since I stupidly deleted a few normal guys who would have been worth talking to, now I'm just here to find oddballs such as you about which to write.

"This may not be entirely coherent..."

I'll be the judge of that. Try me.

"I am interesting in...lucid dreaming, Reiki, graphic novels, antiquing, vigorous debate, quiet time..."

Lucid dreaming is a hobby? Yeah, coherency might be out the window already. Is he talking about masturbation? And what the hell is Reiki? I would Google it, but I'm afraid of what might end up on my computer screen. My guess is "quiet time" and "lucid dreaming" go hand in hand with his hands.

"I strive towards self-mastery..."

Yep, I was right.

"I don't expect to have many matches, as I really don't fit into any discernible shape."

I'm going to go with hexagon.

Winding down,

The Grammar Nazi

Thursday, September 3, 2009 Part 16: Start smiling...NOW!

Okay, okay, I'm smiling. Sheesh. Don't be so demanding. (That's really me on the right. Scary, no?)

If there were any time I wish I could post a photo, now is the time. You should see what this pimp daddy is wearing: pink and orange psychedelic '70s matching hat and shirt, a black vest and an afro wig. He's not smiling, as he demands of us, but rather, sporting a "look how cool I am" facial expression as he points at the camera.

In his profile, he mentions, "I don't have reading/sending mail privileges."

Where are you? Prison? How hard is it to sign up for an email address?

His occupation says "business owner."

If he's in prison, maybe he's in charge of the laundry and shirt-folding department, or maybe he runs a chain gang. This could get tricky. What's the procedure for conjugal visits these days?

Moving along. The next prospect is a self-proclaimed "pizza snob" who grew up in Chicago.

I love Chicago, but I have to say that I like New York-style pizza hands-down. I'll take thin crust any day of the week over deep-dish.

"I'd relish a 20 degree day in February than 77 in the shade. That's just unnatural."

Yes, it is. What is wrong with you?

"I like a gal who isn't afraid to get her knees scuffed climbing a hill..."

I've gotten my knees scuffed, but it wasn't while climbing a hill.

"...Sunday mornings in fall and winter are reserved for Bears football, win or lose. And I love making grilled cheese and tomato soup to eat watching it."

DA BEARS! The Super Bowl Shuffle: Will they ever live it down? (Hurray for grilled cheese and tomato soup though. And football. I loves me some football, just not the Bears.)

Next we have yet another man whose photo would work so well here. I can't imagine why he chose it: You can hardly see his face, and he's wearing a red ball cap, standing in some sort of animal sanctuary, pointing at a koala bear next to him - with both index fingers. The koala is looking at him as if he's nuts.

"Dude, check out this rad koala bear. Want to go on a date?"

He's a "dog lover..."

Me too!

"...and an unapologetic Cubs and Bears fan."

Hey, I know the perfect guy for you. There's someone you just have to meet!

The next one is really tempting. He doesn't look like someone I'd be attracted to, but good lord, he makes bank. He owns companies in more than one state and says he makes more than $250,000 a year.

Jackpot, baby!

"I only ask you to be available 4 times a year to travel abroad."

So, does he only want to see me four times per year? That's kind of ambiguous, but traveling abroad quarterly sounds mighty fine indeed. Money doesn't buy happiness. Money doesn't buy happiness. Money doesn't buy...I'll just keep repeating that as I move on.

You have to wonder about a guy who discusses - and compliments - his ex-wife in his dating profile. "My ex-wife...was a beautiful and brilliant person..."

Was? Is she dead? I'm not sure if this is the right time and place to mention your ex-wife. My ex is also a brilliant, lovely person who wasn't my match, but I'm not going to talk about him before I even meet you. It just makes me think you aren't over her yet. You should probably work on that.

"I am attracted to well balanced women."

Ah f*ck. I guess I'm out.

It's definitely "post photos day" for sure. Here's a guy who says he's a full-time dad to a 12-year-old son.

How is it possible you have a 12-year-old son when YOU look like you're twelve? There's no way this guy is old enough to have an almost-teenager, unless his profile photo is really old.

"If we meet and ur boring; youre out!!"

You write like a 12-year-old boy too! What's up with all the misuse of semicolons lately? I'm also not such a fan of writing "ur" for "you're" in this case. There's a time and place for shortening your words: It's called text messaging. As an aside, no one wants a boring chick. I get that, but two exclamation points? Come on.

Here's someone who can't make up his mind to save his life. Let me show you what I mean:
"I grew up wanting to be a tennis star, studied to be an archeologist, traveled to become a photographer...and came back a carpenter!"

I understand doing a 180 in your career. I went to college for seven years, became a high school English teacher, and quit after two years to become a magazine editor. It's all about trial and error. But wow, this guy is all over the map and it makes my head spin. More proof he doesn't know what he wants:

"What do I want in a woman? I will leave that up to you, to show me what I want."

That's such a cop-out. At 38, he surely knows what he likes, right? Maybe not.

Until next time,

The Grammar Nazi