Thursday, September 3, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 16: Start smiling...NOW!















Okay, okay, I'm smiling. Sheesh. Don't be so demanding. (That's really me on the right. Scary, no?)

If there were any time I wish I could post a photo, now is the time. You should see what this pimp daddy is wearing: pink and orange psychedelic '70s matching hat and shirt, a black vest and an afro wig. He's not smiling, as he demands of us, but rather, sporting a "look how cool I am" facial expression as he points at the camera.

In his profile, he mentions, "I don't have reading/sending mail privileges."

Where are you? Prison? How hard is it to sign up for an email address?

His occupation says "business owner."

If he's in prison, maybe he's in charge of the laundry and shirt-folding department, or maybe he runs a chain gang. This could get tricky. What's the procedure for conjugal visits these days?

Moving along. The next prospect is a self-proclaimed "pizza snob" who grew up in Chicago.

I love Chicago, but I have to say that I like New York-style pizza hands-down. I'll take thin crust any day of the week over deep-dish.

"I'd relish a 20 degree day in February than 77 in the shade. That's just unnatural."

Yes, it is. What is wrong with you?

"I like a gal who isn't afraid to get her knees scuffed climbing a hill..."

I've gotten my knees scuffed, but it wasn't while climbing a hill.

"...Sunday mornings in fall and winter are reserved for Bears football, win or lose. And I love making grilled cheese and tomato soup to eat watching it."

DA BEARS! The Super Bowl Shuffle: Will they ever live it down? (Hurray for grilled cheese and tomato soup though. And football. I loves me some football, just not the Bears.)

Next we have yet another man whose photo would work so well here. I can't imagine why he chose it: You can hardly see his face, and he's wearing a red ball cap, standing in some sort of animal sanctuary, pointing at a koala bear next to him - with both index fingers. The koala is looking at him as if he's nuts.

"Dude, check out this rad koala bear. Want to go on a date?"

He's a "dog lover..."

Me too!

"...and an unapologetic Cubs and Bears fan."

Hey, I know the perfect guy for you. There's someone you just have to meet!

The next one is really tempting. He doesn't look like someone I'd be attracted to, but good lord, he makes bank. He owns companies in more than one state and says he makes more than $250,000 a year.

Jackpot, baby!

"I only ask you to be available 4 times a year to travel abroad."

So, does he only want to see me four times per year? That's kind of ambiguous, but traveling abroad quarterly sounds mighty fine indeed. Money doesn't buy happiness. Money doesn't buy happiness. Money doesn't buy...I'll just keep repeating that as I move on.

You have to wonder about a guy who discusses - and compliments - his ex-wife in his dating profile. "My ex-wife...was a beautiful and brilliant person..."

Was? Is she dead? I'm not sure if this is the right time and place to mention your ex-wife. My ex is also a brilliant, lovely person who wasn't my match, but I'm not going to talk about him before I even meet you. It just makes me think you aren't over her yet. You should probably work on that.

"I am attracted to well balanced women."

Ah f*ck. I guess I'm out.

It's definitely "post chemistry.com photos day" for sure. Here's a guy who says he's a full-time dad to a 12-year-old son.

How is it possible you have a 12-year-old son when YOU look like you're twelve? There's no way this guy is old enough to have an almost-teenager, unless his profile photo is really old.

"If we meet and ur boring; youre out!!"

You write like a 12-year-old boy too! What's up with all the misuse of semicolons lately? I'm also not such a fan of writing "ur" for "you're" in this case. There's a time and place for shortening your words: It's called text messaging. As an aside, no one wants a boring chick. I get that, but two exclamation points? Come on.

Here's someone who can't make up his mind to save his life. Let me show you what I mean:
"I grew up wanting to be a tennis star, studied to be an archeologist, traveled to become a photographer...and came back a carpenter!"

I understand doing a 180 in your career. I went to college for seven years, became a high school English teacher, and quit after two years to become a magazine editor. It's all about trial and error. But wow, this guy is all over the map and it makes my head spin. More proof he doesn't know what he wants:

"What do I want in a woman? I will leave that up to you, to show me what I want."

That's such a cop-out. At 38, he surely knows what he likes, right? Maybe not.

Until next time,

The Grammar Nazi

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