Monday, September 7, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 17: Monkeisme















Should that be "Monkey is me," or does this guy wear a brown Gregorian robe and threw in an extra vowel accidentally?
We'll never know. (Pie lesu domine. Dona eis requiem. WHACK!)

In honor of International Literacy Day (9-8-09), it's Leave a Letter Completely Out of a Word Day on chemistry.com. Here are tributes to this new holiday:
fiends (instead of friends)
moutain (instead of mountain)
speial (instead of special)
dram (instead of drama)
jus (instead of just)
partern (Okay, no letters are missing. I just had to add this terrible example of a typo for "partner".)

Do you know what this reminds me of? Did you ever see the South Park episode where the kids go to the planetarium, and the tour guide calls it the plane'arium all day? Yeah, that.

The guy who wants no "dram" also "no how to treat a woman with respect." If "your a fun glirl looking for a kickback guy to have fun with we can talk and see were it goes from there."

Did I mention it's International Literacy Day? This guy owns his own business, but can't write his way out of a paper sack. This frightens me. But then, you should know that by now.

Here we have the most annoyingly positive man in the whole world. He wants someone who "loves life as much as [he does]."

That's great. You should want that, but you don't have to repeat it over and over.

Here's what I mean: "I'm a positive and happy person...I love life....I'm looking for a cool girl who likes to be happy in life...If I had to design a perfect girl: a perfect smile who smiles all the time and loves life. Is positive all the time..."

We get it. Positive, happy, loves life. Your profile could be shortened a tad and could still keep that element of sugary sweet in tact. Pass me the Tums.

He also says he's "every girls dream guy..."

Presumptuous much? Oh, and you forgot an apostrophe. "Dream" belongs to "girls." It's possessive, which could be the case with you as well, since your overt egotistical happiness could be masking inner insecurities. Just a guess.

I'm confused by this line: "Lived a LL Lifestyle in past."

What does LL stand for? Lesbian lover? Little lifeboat? Laminated liver? I'm so confused.

As much as the last guy was exuberant and repetitive, "The Man" is dry and says nothing about himself or what he's looking for:

"You will probably want to use quoted language in your personal essay."

Who said anything about an essay, Professor?

"There is nothing like the 'heard voice' to create the impression that this is real."

You're typing, aren't you? That means you exist, which means you are real. Just say, "Hey, I'd like to chat on the phone to make this more personal." Isn't that what you're trying to say?

"Spoken speech engages another whole sense and enriches the medium immensely."

Does anyone else get the sense we're in a classroom reading a lesson?

"Unfortunately, using quoted language demands a whole set of typographical conventions - the quotation marks themselves and the various commas and end-marks that are required."

Yes, but who the heck are you?

"The Guide to Grammar and Writing contains a brief section on quotation marks to help you."

You're talking to the wrong girl.

Here's a profile where only one thing is worth mentioning: "I love my power tools!"

You too?

Next we have one of those unfortunate souls who should be looking for a male instead of a female, but he just hasn't quite figured it out yet. In his profile photo, he's wearing an apron in the kitchen (and no, that's not why he looks gay). What's interesting is that he makes a point in his first line that should be a given, considering he's looking for a woman: "I am a young, well employed heterosexual guy..."

Are you sure about that? I'm not convinced, and something tells me you're not either, since you had to state it.

"My immediate goal is...a meeting of the minds and possible other parts of the anatomy."

Gag.

The day wouldn't be complete without a certifiable freak in the mix. He starts by asking, "What brings you here?"

Well, originally it was to find a possible mate, but since I stupidly deleted a few normal guys who would have been worth talking to, now I'm just here to find oddballs such as you about which to write.

"This may not be entirely coherent..."

I'll be the judge of that. Try me.

"I am interesting in...lucid dreaming, Reiki, graphic novels, antiquing, vigorous debate, quiet time..."

Lucid dreaming is a hobby? Yeah, coherency might be out the window already. Is he talking about masturbation? And what the hell is Reiki? I would Google it, but I'm afraid of what might end up on my computer screen. My guess is "quiet time" and "lucid dreaming" go hand in hand with his hands.

"I strive towards self-mastery..."

Yep, I was right.

"I don't expect to have many matches, as I really don't fit into any discernible shape."

I'm going to go with hexagon.

Winding down,

The Grammar Nazi

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