Monday, September 14, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 18: Not a Bone Head!















Nice headline. I like "not a bone head" in my man. It's a nice quality. Also, bonehead is one word. It's one of those "compound" thingamajigs we learned in third grade.

I think the anger quotient has gone up in recent days on chemistry.com. Thinly veiled references to past dating disasters abound. Take this one, for instance:

"She has a steady job and can support herself if needed, so I know she isn't just with me for a meal ticket...She also knows that you don't have to go on a vacation every single week-end...Sorry I had to say it."

Won't you take me to Bitter Town? Won't you take me to Bit-ter Town? Are there really girls who expect you to take them on vacation every weekend, or even want to, for that matter? That sounds exhausting.

Over-the-Dating-Scene Guy #2 has "dated a string of hot psychos and I'm so over the high maintenance voodoo mind games some young women play."

Somebody knows how to pick 'em. Maybe, like the rest of us who have failed at love, this guy needs to look inward and figure out what it is that's causing him to choose such women. We're not all the way this guy describes them. Guys say they hate mind games, but when you're straightforward, they freak out. So what exactly does this guy really want?

Guy #3 is "tired of getting slammed down."

I feel your pain. Join the club. I'm a co-founder. Punch and cookies are in the corner. Coffee is on the right. The bathroom is down the hall. The meeting will start in ten minutes. Feel free to bring your friends next time.

Guy #4 says, "I find that neither party is usually willing to change and it just adds stress to the relationship."

This is true. It's not really something to put in a dating profile, but true nonetheless. However, when you meet the right person, there isn't really much change that is required. It shouldn't be that hard. Right? Right? Someone please confirm.

Guy #5 doesn't want someone "high strung. High maintenance drama has no place in my life."

It apparently has had its place at some point, or you wouldn't be making it a central focus. Where are all these high-maintenance drama-causing chicks? I want to round them up and give them a stern talking to.

He also wants someone who does "not depend on me to make EVERY decision."

Don't you want to know the back story on these guys without actually asking them?

Guy #6 is "cynical and sarcastic, but only if I really like you."

How are you when you DON'T really like me? Nice?

He adds, "i believe punctuation matters...sometimes."

But you don't believe punctuation matters in this case when you were supposed to capitalize the first word in your sentence? Blargh! He, in fact, doesn't capitalize any of his words. That drives me batty. Is it really that hard to hit the shift button on your keyboard?

I'm done with the indignant crowd for now (except that I have to live with myself, of course). Next we have a prospect who "sat at the 'cool' lunch table in elementary school."

Elementary school this is not. Although, I do remember sitting with my friends who used to tease me for bringing peanut butter and banana sandwiches to school. "THAT'S GROSS!" Don't knock them until you try them, kiddos. As for sitting with the "cool" kids, I honestly don't remember who the cool kids were in 1981. That was a long time ago.

Here we have a high school teacher who wants someone who "enjoys exercise and sex."

Like magic, let's combine those two things into one and save some time going to the gym. Presto! Burn calories and have fun simultaneously. What a concept. By the way, who DOESN'T enjoy sex? If you fit into that category, my deepest apologies.

Finally, I just want to point out that someone referred to Monty Python as "dumb comedy."

Don't ever do that again. Monty Python is genius. Someone get me a comfy chair so I can beat this guy with it.

Off to build a giant badger,

The Grammar Nazi

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