Friday, September 18, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 19: NO CHEESY FIST LINE




















It's amazing what one little forgotten 'r' can do to change the entire context of a malformed headline. It a) does in fact make his first line cheesy, and b) inadvertently references something that shouldn't be discussed with total strangers. Or at all.

This same man likes to "lern new things."

Let's start with the word "learn," shall we?

His friends and family are "vary important" to him.

Are they really? "It varies." Har har.

He likes "4-wheelrs" and enjoys sharing his "intrests."

Apparently his interests do not include the usage of vowels.

Unlike Mr. Spelling-Challenged, the next poor chump says, "HOWDY!" and then points out that he purposefully wrote a "cheesy intro, but [he lives] in Norco. Sometimes that rubs off on you."

Last time I checked, the only thing that rubs off on you as a Norco resident is the putrid stench of cow manure. Have you ever been to Norco? It's kind of like Chino. If your car windows were rolled down before you got there, they are quickly rolled up while you hit the A/C recirculate button on your dashboard and pass through town with Cheetah-like speed. No one, except the owners of the aforementioned cows, actually lives there. Oh, and this credit analyst.

Nerd alert! Nerd alert! Nerd alert! Hold everything and try to analyze this:

"Leader of the Great Old Ones. Cthulhu exists in a deep sleep of death in the watery depths of R'lyeh silently dreaming, waiting for the day when the stars are right and his worshippers raise R'lyeh from the Pacific Ocean."

It's on like Comic-Con. His whole paragraph goes on like that, and the fact that I have no idea what he's talking about affirms my position as a member of the "cool kids." Although this paragraph says nothing direct about Geek Boy, it says EVERYTHING I need to know. I believe he's going to star in the 40-Year-Old Virgin 2: Electric Boogaloo.

My fellow Grammar Nazis: Prepare yourself for what's about to come. Don't say I didn't warn you: "I could honestly say that I;m loal respectful very considerate and when it comes to satisfying or accommadating the person I;m with. I am deffinetly not selffish"

We have reached Defcon 5, people. This is not a test. Improper use of a semicolon. Lack of commas. Misspellings. No period at the end of the sentence. A lengthy fragment. This is a grammarian's worst nightmare, and the guy is even cute! Is there no justice? Pass the oxygen mask. I'm hyperventilating.

Let's move on to someone who can relate to my love of the English language: an English teacher. He teaches because [he likes] supporting kids, and [likes] figuring out how to make them stronger thinkers and writers. And it's fun."

Fun? Did he say fun?
There is nothing "fun" about teaching English to teenagers. Painful? Yes. Mortifying? Yes. Debilitating? Yes. Fun? No.

Oh my. The next Enemy of Words writes a long paragraph and puts an apostrophe before every 's' at the end of every word. He writes "take's," "event's," "eye's," "feeling's," "enjoy's," and "say's," to name a plethora.

Why do you insist on making me cry, Mr. Camera Security Systems Man?
It's as if, because he doesn't know when to put an apostrophe 's' at the end of words, he just hedges his bets and does it for all of them, knowing every once in awhile, he'll get it right. In this case, he's wrong more often than not. I'd say, go the other way, and don't throw in an apostrophe, even when one is required.

Finally, we have a guy who works for an "online social networking company."

You mean like this one?


He says, "I like watching movies in the dark."

As opposed to in broad daylight in the middle of the street? Isn't "the dark" normally where films are shown?
Just stating the obvious. Don't ask him. He just works here.

La La Love you,

The Grammar Nazi

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