Monday, September 28, 2009
Chemistry.com Part 21: Rorschach Profile
Are you saying your profile is just one giant symmetrical inkblot splat?
He says he "once danced on Richard Nixon's grave."
Weird. I don't know whether to shout, "Good for you!" or "What a freak!"
"I always drive it like I stole it."
And then do donuts on Richard Nixon's grave?
"I ask lots of questions. Some of them even have answers."
I ask a lot of questions, and many of the answers are still elusive, but that's what makes life interesting.
"I recently watched my beloved classic Porsche being totally destroyed by an engine fire."
"A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile."
Okay, his promise of a Rorschach profile did not disappoint. It was definitely all over the place.
The next guy wants a girl he can have fun with "scaling a rugged peak or just wandering around IKEA."
How about scaling the peaks of IKEA? Those are some tall-ass buildings. They may even exceed the height necessary for base-jumping. Let me get out my measuring tape. Pass me my chute. Let's go!
Here's the part of the day when we stop to question the more confusing profiles on chemistry.com: statements that make you say, "Wha?" Ponder this puzzler, for instance:
"I'm looking for a woman who wants to be related."
You know what they say: Incest is best. That, however, is not legal, my friend. I don't think the word "related" means what you think it means. Unfortunately, he does it again:
"I like spending time together and getting more related."
If you're already related, how do you get "more" related? She's either your cousin, or she's not your cousin. You can't force her bloodline to be similar to yours if it didn't start out that way.
Here's Puzzler Man Deux:
"And not sure of what kind of relationship I want..." and in the next breath, "pretty much straight forward with what I want."
He doesn't know what he wants, but he's really straightforward about what he wants. Pretty much. That makes sense. To no one.
"I am a single father of a ten year old son and have been for the past 8 years."
When I first read that, I thought his ten-year-old son was somehow eight-years-old because it sounded like he has been a father for that long. Now I get it. It took me a second. I glossed over the word "single." My bad.
Puzzler Man Four:
"I process by processing the process."
I delete you by deleting with the delete key.
It's time for spelling errors! Yay! My most favoritist part of the day.
(Yes, I know favoritist isn't a word. If you know the rules, you're allowed to break them.)
"People are so much more animated in 3 demensions don't you think?"
Is that like watching demons at an IMAX theater? (Also, run-on sentence alert!)
The same guy says, "I still listen to electornic music and work with some film students on thier projects..."
I'm also dyslexic. Did you notcie?
Now it's time to play a little game called "Right Spelling. Wrong Word."
You must be "subject to approval by a panel of my piers (I have two sisters)."
Do your sisters hang out at the beach, hover over the ocean, get crapped on by seagulls and trampled by tourists?
Contestant number two says, "Weather it is just hanging out in the evening, throwing darts..."
I didn't know the sun, clouds and that thick morning marine layer could play a fierce game of Cricket. Bullseye!
Last, we have an endearing prospect whose headline reads: "Every other guy on this is a creep with an STD. I'm sure of it."
What a gentleman. Get me out of here.
Signed, Sealed, Delivered,
The Grammar Nazi