Friday, October 9, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 22: Would you be my Valetine?




















First of all, it's "Valentine," with an 'n,' and second, it's WAY too early to be thinking about that dreaded excuse for a holiday that only serves to make single people feel that much lonelier. Don't give Hallmark and 1-800-flowers any ideas about beginning their advertising campaign well before Thanksgiving. You definitely need a new profile headline, as do most, including myself. On second thought, I don't need one. My time on chemistry.com is up in less than a week, and I won't be renewing. Shocker, right?

Next we have a guy who needs a GPS to be able to navigate back down to earth. "I read like a librarian but never learned to spel. Although I'm already in practice, I'm less than a year away from my phd. I'm not rich but I wiil be soon...my weightloss books will sell millions."

There is no way anyone would award this Bozo a PhD. "Wiil" and "weightloss"? For real? If you can't even spell what you are writing about, how do you expect to sell millions? Delusion is not only a river in Egypt, or something like that.

Next we have a hopeless romantic who asks, "Do you ever wonder whether these things work?"

Answer: Not anymore.

He says, "I like to spoil emotionally, mentally and physically."

Translation: I will smother you.

I'm confused by the following post: "Freddie Starr ate my hamster!"

Who's Freddie Starr? Should I know him? Why would he want to eat your hamster? Why do you have a hamster? That's a pet for eight-year-olds who wait to clean the poor fluff-ball's cage until the smell of stale pee permeates the entire upstairs of the house. Hamsters are cute until you get them home and realize they are nocturnal and will keep you awake running that squeaky wheel all damn night. No adult owns a hamster. They're just not that dumb.

He adds, "I read books by or about people who have died, or will die someday in the future."

In other words, he reads everything, including trashy romance novels and the Choose Your Own Adventure series. Who has the patience and time for that? Way to be choosy.

"I like long walks on the beach, but only if there are no dead bodies..."

For someone who is looking for love, you sure mention death often.

"I'd like someone who isn't bothered by the occasional kitchen fire or small-scale explosion."

Funny, but worrisome. I guess he won't be cooking for us anytime soon.

Okay, you have to help me out with this next one: He has "participated in a meat eating contest" and has "stuck [his] arm inside a cow that had a plastic window in its side."

My sick mind envisions those two events happening simultaneously. Did he eat the raw meat of a cow that had its pound of flesh brutally removed only to be replaced with a plastic window? Is Window Cow a real cow? How is it still standing if it has a big chunk out of its side? Was he the one to rip flesh off a cow so he could shove it in his mouth to win a few hundred bucks? This nutbag won't be hearing from any vegans. I hope that doesn't bother him.

Here we have a man "trained as a genetic light and color therapist." (Huh?) He says, "You, who is divine in all aspects of what is means to be a woman in the real and practical world and at the same time in love with life and so filled with the information that Spirit always holds beyond time and space."

First of all, you, who ARE divine in all aspects of what IT means to be a woman...

Second, why is everyone bat sh*t crazy?

Nutbag says his energy is focused like a laser - "Like the force of Niagara Falls pushed through one squirt from your garden hose."

I don't even want to tell you what this conjures up, but you can probably imagine, and now you wish you hadn't, but the image is already there, and it will be for some time. You can't even will it away. Sorry about that.

Here's another case of "which one of these kids is not like the other": This one "loves the ocean, children, all animals, cooking, enjoying food and drink, the symbolism of dragons, chocolate and the gym."

Did you notice what item doesn't fit into that very normal list? What does the symbolism of dragons have to do with anything involving the beach, food, exercise and loving little creatures? What DO dragons symbolize? Evil fire-breathing hell on earth? Yeah, that goes with the rest of the list. Sounds like a fun Saturday night to me.

Speaking of children, here's another mindboggler who says, "Given that I have to interact with numerous and random people every day, I have to constantly wear 'kid gloves.'"

What the eff are kid gloves? Did you borrow them from the Michael Jackson Sequined Glove Collection? The word 'creepy' keeps popping in my head while reading these profiles. I can't imagine why.

Happy Friday,

The Grammar Nazi

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