Monday, October 12, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 23: No dates were harmed in the following...

Not yet, anyway.















So, "the good time teddy bear hugateria" would like you to know he had "FUN" driving his motorcycle from LA to New Orleans and back in torrential rain.

That sounds like a blast.

He continues, "For some reason when I typed 'fun' in all caps I thought of the dancing old dude from the six flags commercials. He's the personification of fun!"

No, he's not. He's the personification of annoying. If this guy's idea of fun is dancing spastically to cheesy techno music, then we have problems. Also, Six Flags is capitalized.

"BTW, he's a really super old guy with make-up on so he looks younger."

Um, I think you got that backwards. Also, what does that have to do with anything? You're getting sidetracked, when you're supposed to be talking about - oh look! a penny!

The next headline says, "looking to actually date for the first time in my life."

So what have you been doing for the previous 36 years exactly? Is this his way of saying he's never had a girlfriend before? Where did you go? I can't see you through all the red flags.

"Cynicism and sarcasm are two of my biggest turnoffs."

He would LOVE me then.

We're getting closer to the bottom of the pile. The next one says he "sheds a tear every time [he] sees a Mcdonalds in a third world country."

How often do you visit third-world countries? (Also, my grammar itchiness wants to correct McDonald's. There. I feel better.) A McDonald's can be found on every corner in America. How is that different from anywhere else? I don't eat there, and neither should anyone else, but it's not the biggest problem facing third-world countries.

Music-wise, this guy had a "country phase, but a 12 step program took care of that!"

Here's the thing about country music: It's not a phase. It's a soulless disgrace. Any time spent, even for a second, enjoying country music is a check mark in the "no" column. Also, hyphenate "12-step." K. Thanks.

I have to laugh at an IT data analyst who says, "Who knows? Maybe I'll be making my own feature-length movies someday."

Who knows? I know. You're thirty five and you have yet to get involved in the film industry. Feature-length films don't just drop in your lap. It takes years of passion and hard work for that to come to fruition. Just face it: techie for life.

All I need to say about the next guy is that he's wearing a cowboy hat and he's a "sprinkler fitter."

Next.

Douchenozzle alert! "Sports guy" is a diehard Cowboys fan.

I hate the Cowboys. And the Raiders. I know he didn't mention the Raiders, but I feel compelled to state the facts.

He has "seen Metallica 7 times in concert."

I guess the "shortest straw has been pulled for you." I wouldn't be spreading that around. I'm not proud of seeing Depeche Mode more than once, but I don't go around telling people. Oh wait. Dammit!

Here we have a man who dislikes "spiders, most bugs, overt rudeness, and the Dodgers."

Well, the mop on Manny's head is starting to resemble the legs of a spider, so I can see how LA baseball and arachnids would be similar. Besides, I like the Angels.

His last line says, "No ballerinas. Okay ballerinas."

What about former ballerinas? I quit ballet the day we were supposed to put on toe shoes. Does that count?

Now we're really powering through 'em. Once I'm done with this short stack, I'll be chemistry.com-free, as I happily deleted my profile today. Woot.

Okay, here's the next one: "I'm interested in people who have a blend of street smarts, emotional smarts, and smart smarts. I also like Smarties. And Fun Dip. Not so much Big League Chew. or Razzles. I mean, are they gum or candy?"

Who cares? Let's go back to Smarties and Fun Dip. Smarties were the candies I used to pick first out of my pillowcase full of Halloween treats. Well, besides the chocolate, of course. I love those. And Fun Dip reminds me of when I was a kid at the beach. Oh man, talk about a sugar rush. Anyone have any Big Sticks or Bomb Pops they want to share?

One more for today: "I practice tantric sex - when I don't get sex, I throw a tantrum."

For some reason, I'm picturing a screaming brat in the aisle at Target lying on the ground, pounding his fists. "But MOM! I. WANT. SEX. YOU. SAID. I. COULD. HAVE. SEX."

"Okay, honey, but you can only pick out one today."

"YAY!"

Happy rainy day,

The Grammar Nazi

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