Friday, October 16, 2009

Chemistry.com Part 24: I am who I am

That sums it up nicely. None of us are going to change all that much. After reading hundreds of profiles on chemistry.com, I can say with conviction that basically, we all want the same attributes in a mate: friendship, love, respect, humor and a quiet night on the couch watching a movie. So, what it comes down to are these last few profiles, and after today, I wash my hands of online perusing. I will just have to find that special guy in the real world. Go figure.




















Here's a guy who is obsessed with the gym and goes every day. He used to "weight 312 lbs now [he weighs] 263 lbs and still going down."

Yet, he still doesn't know how to fix a run-on sentence, but whatever. Grammar Nazi is tired of pointing this sh*t out. Kudos to you for losing weight.

He says the person he's looking for "can melt ice cream with a smile."

Actually, you can melt ice cream if you set it on the counter. It doesn't take much.

"Who doesn't mind a guy with facial hair."

I married a guy with facial hair. The only time I ever saw him without it was in photos. I'm down with that.

"A business person by day and you know what at night."

I have no idea what you do at night. Or is he talking about me? You need to be more specific. That's what this space is for. I'm not a mind-reader, last time I checked. That would be really cool though because then I could figure out what the hell people are thinking, which most of the time totally eludes me.

"I don't care how many b/fs you had or relationships you had."

Aren't boyfriends and relationships the same thing in this case? You were vague before, and now you're redundant. Argh.

"I'm a man I won't lie that I do like a nice arse than breasts."

As usual, I am more offended by the botched sentence than the actual content of said sentence. Run-on, run-on, run-on. Oh, and "than" should be "then," but even if that were correct, the sentence would still sound lame. You like butts more than you like breasts? Is that what you're trying to say? Oh, who the F cares? Next.

Here we have another man who can't even spell his profession; he's an "analysr."

You people are killing me.

He is "looking for someone that is attractive and unmarried."

Well, sh*t. I would hope so. By the way, it's "who is attractive and unmarried." Not "that." I can't take it anymore. Stop the insanity.

I don't know whether to feel sorry for the next guy or to think he's full of it: "I have a 12 yr old daughter that means the world to me living in AZ with her mother and stepfather."

Either he's a deadbeat, or his ex-wife is a biznatch for taking the kid away from him. Either way, I don't want to get involved in such a complicated situation. Oh, and it's "WHO means the world to me." Not "that." Come on, folks! It's not that hard!

I wonder about professional descriptions such as this one: "Price tags??? Just throw it in the bag!"

It's time to play twenty questions to find out what this guy does for a living. Retail is my first guess. Thief is my second.

He's the "quiet type. Pay no attention to what people say about us."

Why not? It's usually true.

"I always take care of number one. That would be 'ME.'"

Hurray! You're number one! You're number one!

Two more to go! Are you still with me? Good. This one has his "heart wide open wallet ready."

Cute. Missing a comma, but cute.

"I've never dated two people at once."

Define "dated." I plead the fifth.

"Don't run with scissors, measure once cut twice."

Is he saying he doesn't run with scissors, or is he suggesting that I not run with scissors? "Measure once cut twice" makes no sense. He put a smiley face after it, but I don't think it's funny.

Finally, the last guy whose profile I will ever read on this silly website says, "My loving mother is putting me up to this online business."

He sounds about as hesitant as I am. Amen, brother.

Okay, I think that's a good place to stop. Phew. I'm beat. Someone get me a drink. Vodka tonic with a lime, please.

Blog topic number two coming right up!

Adieu, with a big middle finger to the online dating world,

The Grammar Nazi

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