In my twenties, my oldest friend and I used to discuss the idea of writing a coffee table book dedicated to all the bizarre conversations we overheard in late-night bar bathrooms, dance clubs, etc. Basically anywhere you'd find drunk girls in their early twenties acting ridiculous and verbalizing it. While we too had our moments of inebriation, we never fell into quite that category. I always felt a tad out of place in the wee hours before last call when girls discussed the boys they liked who were sitting merely feet away inside the bar. It was mind-boggling the stuff they'd spout in public in front of everyone. It's a strange phenomenon, women using the bar bathroom to share their feelings. We well know men use the bathroom to, well, use the bathroom. Girls are so much chattier and cattier.
I also have often wondered what the restroom attendants must be thinking. They have to deal with the scene all night. And while these hired paper-towel-hander-outers are quiet and complacent, I thought about what could possibly going through their heads while working that thankless job that always makes me feel uncomfortable and sorry for them. They are the "eyes and ears of this institution," like the janitor in the high school. (I can't ever seem to get away completely from Breakfast Club references.)
What if those women, underneath it all, are actually angry and bitter, despite acting so normal and friendly? Even if they really aren't, I thought it would be funny to explore their thinking as if they were. In that vein, here's a piece inspired by McSweeney's short imagined monologues based on what might be going through a bathroom attendant's mind while she works. While this is a work of fiction, I have observed most everything that's in it as a patron of a bar who just wants to pee. (The barfing scene is straight out of Vegas.)